A Sacrifice for Colossus

[Xul Daethreen]

On a distant battlefield, an army gathers. Not to protect, but to destroy. Not for freedom, but for enslavement and pillage. Those they threaten cry out in terror, desperately seeking a savior. The call goes out for a sacrifice, to awaken the sleeping colossus, the avatar of justice.

I calmly stride through the halls to the sacrificial chamber, walking to my death. Great rewards and honor await me after I have gone to the next life. There is no fear, only anticipation. I do this willingly. In the chamber, I rest upon the sacrificial altar, and take a deep breath as I feel the cold metal enter my flesh. I feel my heartbeat fade away, and my limbs go numb. Darkness engulfs me. But not for long.

The steady thrum of a new heartbeat rises from the darkness. Feeling returns, but different. A new body, a powerful form ready to bring swift death to the merciless. I am engulfed by this power, and drink deep of it before rising from my pedestal and striding forth into the world. I take in my surroundings with new heightened senses, and focus my will.

Suddenly I stand upon the battlefield, facing my foes. I am outnumbered, but unafraid for I am mighty, a demigod amongst mortals. I call forth my valkyries, and they dance and weave amongst my foes, striking at all who raise their weapons against me. I raise my shield to ward off the attacks of their strongest warriors, willing it to be unbreakable.

I wade through this army of pillagers, my very gaze bringing swift destruction to all. They fall like wheat before the scythe, such is this great new power. All too soon the battle is won, and my time is at an end. I turn to leave, and claim my reward. This short glorious life was no waste. My sacrifice has saved many.

Life fades as I sit once more upon the dais, and blackness once more envelops me. Then light, at first a thin line as though a crack, then more as the wall before me parts to reveal the light of new day. I climb unsteadily from my fragile eggshell, blinking to clear my eyes. This body feels frail, weak, and I feel a longing to be the colossus once more, but the desire passes. The avatar shall sleep until called upon again, until another sacrifice is needed.

A man approaches me, grinning. "We've just received confirmation, and the ISK is being transferred to your account right now. Good job out there. Come by my office later, I've got another job that you might be interested in."

As he turns to walk away, I smile inwardly. Soon the colossus will roam again, soon the cycle of sacrifice and rebirth will begin anew. Death, rebirth, this is the Intaki Way. There is no fear, only anticipation...

(Bored at work with an idea clogging up the thought tubes. Had to get it out. Tell me what you think, all constructive criticism accepted.)

[redhotrebel]

On a distant battlefield, an army gathers. Not to protect, but to destroy. Not for freedom, but for enslavement and pillage. Those they threaten cry out in terror, desperately seeking a savior. The call goes out for a sacrifice, to awaken the sleeping colossus, the avatar of justice.

You had me here right up to the last sentence, more specifically the word "sacrifice"- If this was a book or short story I would have stopped there. There isn't anything grammatically wrong with your word choice, It’s just a personal aversion to the word.

I calmly stride through the halls to the sacrificial chamber, walking to my death. Great rewards and honor await me after I have gone to the next life. There is no fear, only anticipation. I do this willingly. In the chamber, I rest upon the sacrificial altar, and take a deep breath as I feel the cold metal enter my flesh. I feel my heartbeat fade away, and my limbs go numb. Darkness engulfs me. But not for long.

IMO it sounds faith based on the hero’s part, I suppose if you added “like many great warriors have succeeded doing before...” or something to that effect it would sound more like he’s really going to become greater and not just be some dido-head sacrifice like religions coerce (i.e. die and you get “blank” without any evidence other than faith).

The steady thrum of a new heartbeat rises from the darkness. Feeling returns, but different. A new body, a powerful form ready to bring swift death to the merciless. I am engulfed by this power, and drink deep of it before rising from my pedestal and striding forth into the world. I take in my surroundings with new heightened senses, and focus my will.

I like this paragraph- it reminds me of what I felt like after I discovered objectivism/atheism/skepticism etc... I don’t think it fits with the rest of your storyline as far as sacrifice goes, most feel dejected after a sacrifice.

Suddenly I stand upon the battlefield, facing my foes. I am outnumbered, but unafraid for I am mighty, a demigod amongst mortals. I call forth my valkyries, and they dance and weave amongst my foes, striking at all who raise their weapons against me. I raise my shield to ward off the attacks of their strongest warriors, willing it to be unbreakable.

Not bad- I’m curious as to why the hero couldn’t get better equipment. It seems that if he is stronger so should the weaponry. Also if the hero is “unafraid” why would he be “willing the shield unbreakable”? It’s a non sequitur.

I wade through this army of pillagers, my very gaze bringing swift destruction to all. They fall like wheat before the scythe, such is this great new power. All too soon the battle is won, and my time is at an end. I turn to leave, and claim my reward. This short glorious life was no waste. My sacrifice has saved many.

Ugh, personal distaste for your vocabulary usage. Once again the last sentence is appalling and makes me despise the hero rather than enjoy his victory.

Life fades as I sit once more upon the dais, and blackness once more envelops me. Then light, at first a thin line as though a crack, then more as the wall before me parts to reveal the light of new day. I climb unsteadily from my fragile eggshell, blinking to clear my eyes. This body feels frail, weak, and I feel a longing to be the colossus once more, but the desire passes. The avatar shall sleep until called upon again, until another sacrifice is needed.

I hate to get caught up on semantics but you know by now what part of this paragraph I would change :p

A man approaches me, grinning. "We've just received confirmation, and the money is being transferred to your account right now. Good job out there. Come by my office later, I've got another job that you might be interested in."

Hmm... where am I? What’s going on? I had this image in my head of ancient Greek mythology and it’s completely annihilated by some random conversation with some guy.

As he turns to walk away, I smile inwardly. Soon the colossus will roam again, soon the cycle of sacrifice and rebirth will begin anew. Death, rebirth, this is the Intaki Way. There is no fear, only anticipation...

Who are the “Intaki”? Is one born “Intaki” and then they can become this powerful being or is the “Intaki” the expression of what the hero has become?

I realize this is just a small part of what you probably wish to write and it is overall grammatically correct and flows somewhat easily. I would have liked more description but I’m assuming that that would come with later drafts.

The storyline does not appeal to me for various semantic reasons which I have highlighted red throughout the quoted portions. IMO this story goes back and forth from pseudo-objectivist to socialist randomly. Like I said before it's really just your choice of words. Sacrifice is not synonymous with my idea of what a hero should be.

[Xul Daethreen]

First of all, sorry about the wording but I couldn't think of anything better, and I did type this at 3 or 4 AM. I've been reading a lot of the Eve Chronicles, fluff and backstory stuff. Blame that.

IMO it sounds faith based on the hero’s part, I suppose if you added “like many great warriors have succeeded doing before...” or something to that effect it would sound more like he’s really going to become greater and not just be some dido-head sacrifice like religions coerce (i.e. die and you get “blank” without any evidence other than faith).

The opening is supposed to come across as sounding religious. The entire event is a parrallel for the narrator's beliefs. As for adding something about "great warriors before", I think that might actually clash a bit with the theme. That implies a little too much altruism. The narrator, though taking a mission that involves helping and protecting people, is primarily concerned with the power he is capable of wielding, the joy of that power, and the of course the money that's just waiting on him to finish the job.

Also if the hero is “unafraid” why would he be “willing the shield unbreakable”? It’s a non sequitur.

It's a reference to an active tank setup. He's unafraid because he knows he's able to handle the incoming DPS without problems. "Willing the shield unbreakable" is a metaphor for active resists/boosters/hardeners/etc.

I have to admit though I was very temped to put in a line about a weapon of some sort, but I couldn't think of a good way to describe it without disrupting the flow of the story. Plus it's hard to talk about a shield and ranged weapon combination without giving people very strange mental images which could shatter the mythological Greek battlefield in their head. Too early that is...

Hmm... where am I? What’s going on? I had this image in my head of ancient Greek mythology and it’s completely annihilated by some random conversation with some guy.

In a way, that's kind of the point. From the narrator's point of view, he sees what he did as akin to ancient mythology in several ways. However, it's just his perspective on running a mission in Eve. There were a few subtle references leading up to this point, but I felt that bringing it crashing in out of nowhere would really 'wake the reader' so to speak, and drive in the fact that this isn't just a myth story, that it's actually Eve. After all, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition! I wanted to make it very obvious that this was taking place in Eve, but anything more than what I wrote seemed to disrupt the story flow, and also threatened to give the reader a concussion from being hit in the head so violently.

(EDIT) Looking back on it, I probably should change 'money' to 'ISK'. It would help avoid confusion, AND concussions.

Who are the “Intaki”? Is one born “Intaki” and then they can become this powerful being or is the “Intaki” the expression of what the hero has become?

The Intaki are a Gallente bloodline. They are non-French (thankfully), and have a remarkably Buddhist-like belief in that the soul is immortal, and goes through a cycle of death and rebirth before finally reaching the point where it's able to break free of the cycle.

Based on the story info I've read, a capsuleer piloting a ship is more aware of the ship itself than their own body due to a direct neural link on the back of the neck. When you get podded, you go to a new clone. As far as the narrator sees it, life as a capsuleer is a long series of death and rebirth, though often in more of a philosphical sense than a literal one.