TTI Forums

Post your funnies here.

*Joke thread concept property of Quin. All rights reserved.


Yosh, how about creating a Humor board in the Fun & Games section? If you do, move this there.

A piece of rope is bored one evening. (Yes, a piece of rope.) So, he decides he'll go out and get a drink.

He slinks into the neighborhood pub. As he approaches the bar, he sees the bartender shaking his head. "Sorry, buddy," says the bartender. "We don't serve your kind in here. Beat it!"

Dejected, the rope wiggles home.

"There must be a way to fool this jerk," thinks the rope. "Perhaps if I wasn't so skinny, he would think I was human." So, the rope bends himself around into a knot. It isn't easy. He isn't as flexible as when he was a young string, but he manages to do it. Very proud of his accomplishment, he decides to have another go at the pub.

This time he makes it all the way to the bar. The bartender approaches to take his order but notices the charade before the rope gets a word out. "I told you, man. We DON'T serve rope here! Get the hell out before I call the cops."

The rope realizes that he needs to get more sophisticated with his disguise. So, even though Momma Rope always told him never to pick at his ends (lest he come unravelled), he carefully frays out his top to look like hair. A dab of styling gel completes the look. He hardly recognizes himself! "That bastard will NEVER know it's me now," thinks the rope.

So, back to the pub he goes. He confidently makes his way to the bar, has a seat, and orders a gin and tonic. He gets a friendly response and thinks he is in the clear. The bartender leans forward to place the drink in front of him, but as the rope reaches out for it, he can see the man's face take on a puzzled look. Perhaps he has been found out! The bartender's grip tightens on the glass, and his head cocks a bit sideways. "Hey... Haven't we met before? Aren't you that piece of rope I booted out of here earlier?"

"No," replies the rope. "I'm afraid not."

The bartender shrugs and releases his grasp.

here's a little one which made me chuckle a little...

A Chicken and an Egg sitting in bed, each smoking a cigarette... Chicken turns to the egg and observes "Well, I guess we just answered that question then.."

So this friend of mine, ehem, was lookng for a belt to strip mine.
After many hours, he proudly stomped in the lounge and declared "I've found it! My strip search is over!" Curious onlookers concluded he was working for the local police department. But things took a turn for the worse when he told me, "Come on, you can help me!" I would have taken the opportunity to clear the air and had began forumlating a small public disclaimer. However, several of the bar's patrons wildly began shouting "Take me!" "No Take me!" Some reachng for their wallets and waving $20 bills in the air. At that point my friend realized his misspeech and tried to back out of the whole affair. "No, no" He said. "I was talking about my *belt* -- my *asteroid* belt." However it was too late. With the drunken crowd and the place in an uproar by now, all that was heard was "ass" and "belt". I had to pull him out by his left hand - the only part of his body that was still free. As we fired up the Probe, ehem, I saw him making a note in his bookmarks. Something about "if you're going to mine in Kisogo, first choose a very big belt..."

Golda > This roid is so big, Im actually mining it from the inside!
Golda > My ship's navaputer must have found a cave to fly in.
Anla Shok > nah, its a phase cloak as seen on star trek...
Golda > star trek, star trek... Oh you mean that ol' 2d screen drama?
Golda > Sheesh Anla, you're dating yourself
Golda > Well, I just came back from the Cyna-Mall down at Gen-Dai and they have the latest in home entertainment.
Golda > For only 2.8mil I got the latest total immersion theater complete with new tacticle neural implants.
Golda > Ya know the same ones they use at those pleasure domes?
Luther Pendragon > last time i was in a gallenteen pleasure dome they only had the waist down immersion system
Golda > The first one I rented was "Laser Pain III".
Golda > And I chose to feel the part of the first girl that dies from the Laser Man.
Golda > The sensation of that laser burning right thru my scalp and then the stench of frying flesh..well.. words just don't do it justice.
Golda > Next time I'll get one rated a little heavier than "G" because after that I don't remember much else.

A OBGYN doctor decides he wants to do something else for employement. He looks around and decides he wants to be a mechanic. So he takes a class to get certified to work in a garage, and his final grade was mailed to him '150%'. Perplexed he calls the professor and asks why the extra 50%, did he do something wrong?
The professor says 'Well, the grade is based on your final project: dissassemble and reassemble an engine. You took it apart perfectly! nothing was broken, and you did it quickly as well, so i gave you 50%. Then you put it back together again Perfectly! The engine started and worked great. so yougot 50% on that.

"And i thought you deserved another 50% because you did all this through the muffler."

hahahaha

This isnt a joke.. nor does it hold any particular hilarity.

Thats right, its a stupid link, hehe

http://www.kthxdie.com/Games/Flash/youare.swf

Go knock yourself out

Dear Diary,

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
thing. And, I never figured out why men think with their head and women
think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual
desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words
"I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT???" So she says
the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains
that I am not in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking
"What was her first clue?" I finally realise that nothing was going to
happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewellery dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was ok.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said "I'm ready to go to the cash register". I could hardly contain myself when blurted out, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

You should have seen her face, it went completely blank. I then said
"Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while". And
just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You're
not in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the
spring of 2008.

I could hardly contain myself when blurted out, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

You should have seen her face, it went completely blank. I then said
"Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while". And
just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You're
not in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

LMFAO thats awesome